When Sidney Ballon speaks in this 1967 Kol Nidre sermon about spousal relationships, at least from the perspective of a son, it seems not only theological and philosophical, but also deeply personal. I picture the tenderness as well as the friction between two strong and vulnerable and very loving partners.
As is often the case throughout these Mid-Twentieth Century sermons, this piece includes many statements that stand the test of time and others that clearly do not. References to gender do not reflect the sensitivities developed in recent decades. Had this been written today it is likely that the phraseology would be more contemporary and more inclusive when referring to the sanctity of marriage. With that disclaimer in mind, this is a heartfelt and moving description of Jewish values as they apply to committed relationships without respect to gender.
May we, on this Holy Day, always resolve to have God as our partner in our households. May His Divine presence bring peace into our hearts. May we forgive and be forgiven our faults and resolve they shall be no more.
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One of the distinctive prayers of the Yom Kippur service, with which we are all familiar, is the Al Chet[i]. It is a kind of confessional in the course of which we make mention of a number of human shortcomings we might have been guilty of during the past year, and we pray for forgiveness. In our Reform prayer book this list of sins which we have sinned is a comparatively short one. In the traditional prayer book it is a good bit longer and the worshiper makes mention of many more of his possible shortcomings. But even the longer traditional list, it seems to me, is not quite complete, and something of importance has been left out that might have been included. We read of the sin which we have sinned by disrespect for parents and teachers. We read of the sin which we have sinned by exploiting or dealing treacherously with our neighbor. But strangely enough no mention is made in this prayer of a human relationship more important than with neighbors or teachers, and even more important than with parents, and that is the relationship between husband and wife.
In all probability no great significance should be attached to this omission, but it is nevertheless surprising. It may be due to the fact that the editor of the prayer thought the list of sins as given was already inclusively enough to cover any problems between husband and wife as well, but if this is so, the same thing could also be said about parents and teachers and neighbors. It may, perhaps, be that the author had such an exalted opinion of Jewish family life that it was inconceivable to him that any wrong could be committed between a husband and a wife. The fact is that we Jews collectively do have a reputation for having achieved an exceptionally high quality of family life. A director of the Catholic Conference on Family Welfare once wrote, "Any student of social history will recognize that the world owes much to the Jewish family."
I remember that once when I had occasion to speak to a college sociology class, the professor asked me to comment on the strength of Jewish family life because, he said, the Jewish family had a reputation for more stable, closer ties, and in these days when family life is so shaky and divorce rates so high, it would be worthwhile, he felt, to listen to the secret of success of the Jewish family. To be realistic, however, it must be admitted that even in the most blessed of marriages there may be moments of tension and irritation, and that as human beings none of us do or can attain perfection in any respect. And even though the reputation of the Jewish family is high, surely even as husbands and wives, as well as children, pupils, or neighbors, we may pause on this solemn day and at least think to ourselves an Al Chet for the sin which we have sinned by falling short in some way, in word or deed or attitude, in our family relationships, and we can say in our hearts a prayer for forgiveness from God and from one another.
It would not be amiss on this day when we look to self-improvement in all respects of our life, to ask ourselves why it is that the Jewish family has indeed acquired such renown. What are the basic principles of family life that Judaism has set before us that has helped us achieve such a reputation? There are four Hebrew words or phrases we ought to know around which these principles revolve. And just in case you may not already know them, let us make a bit of a Hebrew lesson out of this sermon period.
The first of these terms is Kiddushin. Very often when performing a marriage ceremony, I center my remarks upon this word which is the traditional name by which the marriage ceremony is known. The literal meaning of Kiddushin is sanctification. And sanctification means investment with holiness. Kiddushin comes from the same root as Kadosh which you will remember from one of the more important Congregational responses in the service—Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh, Holy, Holy, Holy. It is from the same root as Kiddush, the prayer over wine by which we sanctify the Sabbath and the festivals. It is also the same root as Kaddish, the prayer by which we sanctify God's name in memory of the dead.
There is an important implication in the use of this term. We know that the institution of marriage rests upon a biological basis—it needs a human physical need and assures continuation of the race. We know that marriage rests upon an economic basis—it makes it much more convenient for men and women to care adequately for the requirements of food, shelter, and other necessities of life. We know that marriage rests also upon a psychological basis—men and women escape their loneliness and satisfy their desire for companionship more easily through marriage. But by the title Kiddushin, Judaism suggests that there is yet another much more significant dimension to marriage than those we have just mentioned. There is the element of holiness. Marriage is a sacred covenant. It is a union involving ethical responsibility and religious principle. Leo Baeck, noted theologian, describes it as "the experience by two people of a divine mystery which commands them to realize and fashion their whole life through each other." It is a relationship so significant that the prophets in the Bible often used the terminology of marriage in describing the covenant which binds together God and Israel. God's love for Israel is compared to that of a husband for his wife. And perhaps more beautifully than anywhere else, this figure is used by Hosea when he proclaims in the name of God, "I will betroth thee unto Me forever, yea, I will betroth thee unto Me in righteousness and in justice, and in loving-kindness and in compassion. And I will betroth thee unto Me in faithfulness, and thou shalt know the Lord."[ii]
The first of these terms is Kiddushin. Very often when performing a marriage ceremony, I center my remarks upon this word which is the traditional name by which the marriage ceremony is known. The literal meaning of Kiddushin is sanctification. And sanctification means investment with holiness. Kiddushin comes from the same root as Kadosh which you will remember from one of the more important Congregational responses in the service—Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh, Holy, Holy, Holy. It is from the same root as Kiddush, the prayer over wine by which we sanctify the Sabbath and the festivals. It is also the same root as Kaddish, the prayer by which we sanctify God's name in memory of the dead.
There is an important implication in the use of this term. We know that the institution of marriage rests upon a biological basis—it needs a human physical need and assures continuation of the race. We know that marriage rests upon an economic basis—it makes it much more convenient for men and women to care adequately for the requirements of food, shelter, and other necessities of life. We know that marriage rests also upon a psychological basis—men and women escape their loneliness and satisfy their desire for companionship more easily through marriage. But by the title Kiddushin, Judaism suggests that there is yet another much more significant dimension to marriage than those we have just mentioned. There is the element of holiness. Marriage is a sacred covenant. It is a union involving ethical responsibility and religious principle. Leo Baeck, noted theologian, describes it as "the experience by two people of a divine mystery which commands them to realize and fashion their whole life through each other." It is a relationship so significant that the prophets in the Bible often used the terminology of marriage in describing the covenant which binds together God and Israel. God's love for Israel is compared to that of a husband for his wife. And perhaps more beautifully than anywhere else, this figure is used by Hosea when he proclaims in the name of God, "I will betroth thee unto Me forever, yea, I will betroth thee unto Me in righteousness and in justice, and in loving-kindness and in compassion. And I will betroth thee unto Me in faithfulness, and thou shalt know the Lord."[ii]
Out of this concept of Kiddushin there follows quite naturally the second basic principle upon which the Jewish idea of the family is based and that is Taharat Hamishpacha, the Purity of the Family, by which is meant sexual discipline and fidelity to marriage vows. One of the most significant factors in making for the health and well-being of the Jewish family and the Jewish community was it's a very strong emphasis on the laws against sexual promiscuity. It is interesting to note that just as the marriage covenant was compared in the Bible to the relationship between God and Israel, so also was adultery used as the figure of speech to describe the betrayal of God and the violation of His commandments. We hear a great deal today about the New Morality.[iii] The New Morality does not consider it necessary to limit the sex relationship to marriage. It has other criteria which Judaism, however, cannot accept because Jewish tradition calls for discipline, fidelity, and responsibility in the sexual relationship.
The third important phrase in Jewish family life is Shalom Bayit, literally peaceful household. This, too, is but a secondary aspect of Kiddushin, for how can marriage be sanctified if the household is contentious? To avoid contention there must be truth, respect, and understanding. Truth, the rabbis said, is the beginning and end of all things, and this is especially so in the circle of family life. Deception even in little things contributes to the erection of barriers, the diminishing of sanctity. Husband and wife may differ on many questions but they cannot afford to conceal the truth, and the lines of honest communication must remain open; nor is telling the truth merely a matter of refraining from deception. It is also a matter of not holding back one's true feelings when they should be made known. It is not good, necessarily, to avoid debate by seeking refuge in silence. It is important to be able to bring into the light the truth of our feelings, and to bring into the light whatever it is that disturbs us. Otherwise what we may repress may remain within us and continue to disturb us until it surprises us by breaking out at some time in an unfortunate and undesirable manner. The knowledge of husband and wife, that one can have complete faith in the other, that there is honest communication between them with regard to what is spoken or even unspoken, is a cement that strengthens the bond between them.
Lines of communication must operate, furthermore, not only when there are grievances that need to be aired, but also for the expression of appreciation and tenderness when appropriate. What may sometimes seem to be a problem can melt away in the warmth of an affectionate word or an appreciative caress. Everyone has the need to be loved and appreciated, and we respond to those who express such love and appreciation to us. It is not a sign of weakness nor maudlin sentimentality when we speak such words. It is rather the stuff by which homes are brightened.
And the last Hebrew term I would mention this morning is Gidul Banim, the raising of children—the readiness to assume a responsibility for the future. The sanctification of the marriage bond is not complete without such a sense of purpose and meaning. It is most unfortunate that altogether too many young people look upon marriage only as the fulfillment of a personal desire for romance and happiness. There is no doubt that romance in marriage is desirable and that happiness is not to be disparaged. In the marriage ceremony we even recite a benediction which praises God who maketh bride and bridegroom to rejoice together. But Hollywood notions of romance are not realistic and married couples do not remain forever on cloud nine. And happiness is not something we can go out and acquire merely because we selfishly want it. It is, rather, a byproduct of a more stable and meaningful way of life. Marriage implies not only the satisfaction of our own personal desires but a social responsibility. The purpose of Jewish marriage is to create a Jewish home, to raise a new Jewish generation. A child is not only the fulfillment of the love of husband and wife, but is the link with the future of our people and the vehicle for transmission of our heritage. Husband and wife are thus obligated for the development of their child. They have the responsibility of giving him a sense of security and self-esteem, so that he may be an adequate human being. They are to provide him with the benefit of a good example and to inculcate him with an appreciation of Jewish values. The rabbis had even said that not the biological parent is the true parent of a child, but rather his teacher is the true parent. To fulfill the highest ideal of parenthood is then to be mindful of the responsibility of being, in the best sense, the teacher of one's child. Where husbands and wives lift themselves above a selfish concern for themselves and look upon themselves as partners in the fulfillment of some higher Jewish purpose, as partners with God in the creation and perpetuation of life, where they join wholeheartedly in the responsibility of creating a pleasant and meaningful Jewish home, where they express a mutual interest in the wholesome Jewish development of the child, their marriage is sanctified and approaches the Jewish ideal.
To repeat the Hebrew phrases I would have you remember, Kiddushin Taharat Hamishpacha, Shalom Bayit, and Gidul Banim—sanctification, purity of the family, a peaceful household, and the responsible raising of children—these are the most important traditional ideals of the Jewish life. Taken all together they imply that a happy, successful marriage is not something acquired by chance or good fortune. It is rather something into which we have poured the proper ingredients. It is something to which we must give our best effort. It is something which resides upon a meaningful philosophy, upon appropriate objectives. It requires that we build upon a sound ethical and moral foundation.
The rabbis of the Midrash once pointed out that the Hebrew word for man, which is "Ish" and the Hebrew word for woman which is "Isha" have each two letters in common and a third wherein they differ. The two letters which differ are yod and hay which taken together spell "Yah," a Hebrew word for God. The two letters they have in common are alef and shin which taken together spell "Aish," the Hebrew word for fire. Thus they pointed out that if you take away God from man and woman you are left with fire. Only when God is present can there be a peaceful and a meaningful union. May we, on this Holy Day, always resolve to have God as our partner in our households. May His Divine presence bring peace into our hearts. May we forgive and be forgiven our faults and resolve they shall be no more. May we all know the joy that comes from a happy home and a devoted family. May we be gladdened by our children, and may God's blessings ever be with us.
Amen.
[i] Al Chet (or Al Cheyt) Hebrew, literally "For the sin ..." is a confessional recited by the entire congregation in unison, each line begins "For the sin we committed before You through ..." followed by the sin or general classification of sin. While typically translated as sin, the word Chet comes from archery and more literally means “missing the mark”—a somewhat more forgiving expression than the word “sin” in common usage.
[ii] Hosea 2:19-20
[iii] Surprisingly I found no explicit definitions of the New Morality. It is linked, however, to the term Situation Ethics coined by Harvard professor Joseph Fletcher whose 1966 book on he topic described a system of ethics that evaluates acts in light of their situational context rather than by the application of moral absolutes. The sexual revolution and free love movement of the Sixties, spawned by the new technology of oral contraception, were primary instances of Situation Ethics and the New Morality—“if it feels good, do it, as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody.”
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